Monday, November 16, 2009

Craig

Somehow, someway, having a neighbor move in was a burst of inspiration. I now knew where I was taking my next book. A murder mystery starring Craig, a burly man killing everything that crosses his path living next door to a helpless widow, who he might actually fall in love with. Dare I name the murderer Craig though? Through three-thousand words, the main characters name was represented by a dash. He doesn’t know who I am, he probably doesn’t even read. He wouldn’t mind, right? If anything I could just say it was written before I met him. Either way, how could a five minute conversation develop into a character? It didn’t. Well, maybe it did.

I pushed myself away from my desk, cursing at myself to stop thinking. I couldn’t write with my mind wondering about the simplicity of a character’s name. But it wasn’t that simple. Names were everything. It had to be a name that rolled off of your tongue, but simple enough that you would remember it. The name Craig just kind of spits out. “Craig.” I shook my head. The name fits him anyways. How dare he accuse me of smoking pot. I haven’t touched pot in . . . 4 months? Maybe 5. I only smoked it to understand the effects of it for a book anyways. I’m no pot head. I don’t even drink alcohol. My poison of choice is lavender oils. Now if anything can really mess you up and show you a good time, it’s lavender.

I glanced at the clock on the wall to my right to see it was just past 3 AM. This was when the question rises for me to answer. Do I continue to write, or do I catch some sleep? I did get sidetracked there for a moment with the name debacle, but my mind was spinning and falling asleep on such inspiration is a bad thing to do. I pulled myself back to my desk to continue writing when I heard loud laughter outside of the window. I jumped up and peaked through the blinds to see Craig and five other men pay a cab driver and stumble all over the driveway. I cracked the window the slightest bit so I would be able to hear them. “I’m gonna go see if she wants to come over and maybe see if she wants to get naked for us!” One shouted as he slowly made his way toward my front door.

“Dude! No, don’t! I just fucking moved in! Can we wait at least a week before we ask to see her tits!”

“Come on Craig, stop being such a cock block!”

“Talbot come on! It’s like three in the fucking morning, she’s probably sleeping!”

“I just want to suck a tittie, come on Craig!”

“Damn it Flower, get your boyfriend in my house and away from her door!”

“I just want to see her vajayjay!!!”

I watched as another man pulled the horny one away from my front porch and toward Craig’s door. So obviously Craig told his little friends about me, and whatever he told them was purely physical. I knew my outfit was too sexy to meet a new neighbor. I’ll have to start covering myself up when I venture outside of my house.

Now with my inspiration wiped away, I decided getting some sleep was the best course of action for me. I cleaned up my desk, shut down my laptop, placed all of the pens and pencils in their respective jars and headed up to my bedroom. “Holy fuck dude!” I groaned when I heard the men made their way out to Craig’s balcony. He wasn’t making a very good first impression. I tried to ignore their shouts and whistles as I prepared myself for bed. I washed my face, twice, brushed my teeth, combed my hair, stripped out of my clothes, pulled on my black silk nightgown, brushed my hair once more and headed back into my bedroom. “Do you think I could jump onto her balcony?!”

Fed up, I pulled on my robe and yanked back the sliding glass door, stepping outside. “Really? Are you guys serious?”

“Holy fuck!!!” The guy who was crawling on the railing yelled before jumping back onto Craig’s balcony.

“I’m sorry, please allow me to introduce myself and my friends here. My name is Maxime Talbot, have you heard of me before?”

“No.”

“Excellent. I’m five foot eleven . . . on a good day, six foot two. I work out seven to eight days a week, I enjoy long walks along the railroad tracks, a good bottle of Boone’s Farm and I’m French-Canadian, so that’s a plus. It’s always a plus. Now if you let me, I can give you the most intense orgasm of your life. Can I come over?”

“No. Who are your friends?”

“Ah, oui. Marc-Andre Fleury, A.K.A. LeFlower, Sidney LeCrosby, Tyler LeKennedy, Kris LeLetang. Wait. Le-Letang? Merde. Deux négatifs jouer un rôle positif . . . OUI!! LeLetang. Oh, and you already know Craig LeAdams.”

“That’s nice,” I smile sweetly as each of them wave to me, Craig standing in the corner, his head bowed down. “Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to get some sleep. Could you please take your Leparty into the fucking Lehouse?”

“Fiesty, I like you,” Maxime smiled before Craig began to push everyone back into his bedroom.

Satisfied that I got my point across, I walked back into my bedroom and discarded my robe before preparing to crawl into bed. Hopefully this was a onetime thing. A house warming party with his buddies. I hope he doesn’t force me to buy a BB gun to keep him from being obnoxiously loud. I pulled my comforter back half way, making sure it was even on both side before doing the same with the top sheet. I crawled into bed, tucking my feet under my blankets, I made sure my butt was snuggled into the dip in the middle of the mattress before I leaned forward and grabbed the ends of the sheet and comforter. I pulled them back with me as I lay down, my head resting centered on my lone pillow. I twist my upper body and reach across my chest and shut off the lamp. Sleep hitting me as soon as I was back in my comfortable position.





“Madison! Oh Maddie! Wake up darling!” I slowly opened my eyes to find Stacy standing above me.

“What are you doing here?” I groaned as I sat up and pushed my blankets down to fold them in half once again.

“One of Anthony's clients moved in next door, so he came down to see if he got settled in, and I figured I'd come with to see how you were doing."

"You're my agent, not my mother."

"I worry about you Madison, when was the last time you left the house?"

"Yesterday."

"Where'd you go?"

"Next door to welcome the new neighbor. Wait, he's one of Anthony's clients? How?"

"He's a hockey player. Just got traded from Chicago to Pittsburgh. And by the way, walking next door to greet your new neighbor doesn't qualify as leaving your house. You have to be at least five hundred feet away."

"Why do I need to leave my house?"

"Just once go to the grocery store, socialize."

"I have my groceries delivered, and I don't need to socialize. Although, I met a few men last night, or early this morning, however you want to look at it. This hockey player you speak of, he had some men over and they were all drunk, and very loud. One actually offered to give me an intense orgasm."

Stacy began to laugh loudly as she pulled some clothes out of my closet, tossing them on the bed. I grabbed the bunched up clothes off the bed and laid them flat to prevent any wrinkles. "Now get dressed, I'd like to take you out to lunch."

"I'll make you lunch."

"No, Anthony, Craig, you and I are going out to lunch. Besides, it was your birthday yesterday and I want to celebrate. Now come on, it's already 11:30. We'd like to leave in a half hour."

“You want me . . . to leave my house . . . to have lunch . . . with the monster next door? ARE YOU FUCKING OUT OF YOUR MIND?!” I could feel my anxiety start to hitch and Stacy pulled open my nightstand drawer and handed me my inhaler. I shook it quickly before sucking down two intakes.

“Yes. It’s a business lunch.”

“How? I write. He plays a barbaric sport. The only connection here is you and your husband.”

“You’re neighbors, isn’t that enough of a connection?”

“You owe me. I want a week extension on my draft due date.”

“Fine, I’ll talk to your publisher, now get ready.”

I couldn’t believe I had agreed to do this. I hadn’t left my house in a month or two. I knew when the day come for me to venture into the city I wanted it to be for something monumental, not lunch with my agent, her husband, and his client. The hockey player. I guess that should explain what I had experience earlier in the morning. Of course hockey players were the only form of human beings alive that were irresponsible enough to stay out drinking until the wee hours of the morning on a weekday. Wait, was it a weekday? Didn’t matter. They got drunk, and that was irresponsible.

I dressed in the clothes Stacy pulled out for me, a pair of jeans, and a high neckline sleeveless shirt with ruffles cascading down the front. It wasn’t something I would normally wear, but I didn’t feel like arguing, so I just wore it. Yet when I saw my clothes in my closet starring back at me I felt sorry. There had to be something else I could wear. Something more logical. Was this too sexy for Craig? After what I heard the night before? “Maddie!!” Damn it.

I cleaned up my bedroom and bathroom quickly and rushed downstairs just in time to follow Stacy out the front door. I inhaled the fresh air and looked to my right, instantly making eye contact with Craig. Lovely. This isn’t how I was hoping to spend my day.

8 comments:

  1. I love the character of Maddie, and I love her LeAttitude with the boys...I can not wait to see where you take this story because it is shaping up to be wonderful!

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  2. I loved the whole "Le" part with Max. I think that this is definitely one of the funniest chapters you've written out of all your stories. Wonderful!

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  3. Yes, the 'Le' part... I laughed so loud! And considering I'm reading this so early in the morning, I'm surprised I could actually focus on the words* LOL

    She's so different from any other character I've read about. I can't wait for more!!

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  4. What a great way to start my day! I can't stop laughing...

    “Talbot come on! It’s like three in the fucking morning, she’s probably sleeping!”
    “I just want to suck a tittie, come on Craig!”
    “Damn it Flower, get your boyfriend in my house and away from her door!”
    “I just want to see her vajayjay!!!”
    ^^ BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh Max Talbot, why do I love you so much in every story? WHY!?!

    "and I’m French-Canadian, so that’s a plus. It’s always a plus. Now if you let me, I can give you the most intense orgasm of your life. Can I come over?”
    ^^ Yes, yes you may. Bring your friends with you... I'll get the tequila.

    “Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to get some sleep. Could you please take your Leparty into the fucking Lehouse?”
    ^^ AHAHAHAHAHAHA Ok, ok, ok... must stop laughing...

    Dear Kristina, you ma'am are a fucking genius (excuse MY french)!! I can't even stop laughing... to the point that people are staring at me. I actually, honest to god said "Oh Max... you old horn dog" out loud... OUT LOUD!

    Every one now thinks I'm crazy but I don't care... I'm gonna go read that again. In fact, I'm going to bookmark this specific update so that any time I'm stressed out or angry I have something to make me laugh like an idiot.

    WICKED AWESOME!

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  5. HAHAHA!!! I want to be a leguest at Talbot's leparty!

    Ok... Side tracked.... Scores.

    Max 6.0 <- that was LePerfect!

    Craig 5.5 <- Sweet that he was embarressed at Max's shinanigins.

    Maddison 5.8 <- more like me every time I read it... scary

    Stacy 5.8 <- for getting Maddison out of the house and causing me great anticipation for the LUNCH. muahahahh!!!

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  6. This was, beyond a doubt, the most hilarious thing I have ever read. Uhh.... I can't even pick out the best part, and I just reread it about three times. I still cracked up over the whole thing. I'm not usually obnoxious, but I must insist on more now. Seriously.

    I'm gonna jump on Heather's bandwagon, and give you, Kristina, a 6.0 for this utter perfection.

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  7. Oh god. Just like everyone else I was laughing hysterically as I read this. Max was awesome. Now I can't wait to see how lunch goes. More sooooon!

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  8. So...um...LMFAO!! Everything about this chapter was just LMFAO worthy. Seriously, so incredibly hysterical!!

    “Excellent. I’m five foot eleven . . . on a good day, six foot two. I work out seven to eight days a week, I enjoy long walks along the railroad tracks, a good bottle of Boone’s Farm and I’m French-Canadian, so that’s a plus. It’s always a plus. Now if you let me, I can give you the most intense orgasm of your life. Can I come over?”
    ^^I had to quote it all because it was just too funny. I absolutely adore Max. I can't ever NOT love him. I'm pretty sure that's humanly impossible.

    And this: "Kris LeLetang". I don't know why this got to me so much but it did. I was seriously laughing sooooo hard hahaha.

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