Thursday, November 19, 2009

Drunk

Bright lights hit my eyelids and I moaned as I grabbed my pillow and threw it in the general direction of the sunlight. Hungover, possibly still drunk, I groaned as my sheets were pulled off of me. “What the hell?” I mumbled into my pillow, peaking one eye open to see Anthony, my agent, standing above me.

“Welcome to Pittsburgh buddy, looks like you had a good night.”

“Don’t yell.”

“I’m not yelling. Come on, I’m taking you to lunch, then we gotta head to Mellon to get you all situated.”

“Fine, fine.” I crawled out of bed and made my way into the bathroom. I was trying my damn hardest to remember the night before. How did I get home? What time did I get home? So much for not drinking to get drunk. That might be the first time I’ve ever blacked out. Fucking Talbot and his bottomless bar tab. On the house. Who the fuck gets that many drinks on the house?

Dressed in jeans and a black shirt, I made my way downstairs where Anthony was surveying my door jamb job. “Was it like this when you moved in?” he asked pointed to the dozen or so nails hammered in random places.

“Nope, just a little damage control. Let’s go.”

I grabbed my keys off the counter and followed Anthony out the front door. I hear something to my left and look over to see Madison with Stacy, Anthony’s wife. “Wait, what’s going on?” I asked Anthony as Madison gives me a look of pure annoyance.

“Oh, Madison, your neighbor, is one of Stacy’s clients. She’s a writer, so we’re all going on to lunch. It was her birthday yesterday, so Stacy wanted to celebrate. Figured we’d kill two birds with one stone.”

“I’m pretty sure she hates me though.”

“Oh, it’ll be fine. Come on.”

I look at him for help, for an out, but he just rolls his eyes at me and I follow him down onto the driveway. She stands there, her boobs looking amazing under that ruffley thing, and I notice she’s standing with her toes pressed up against the black line down the middle of the driveway. Almost as if she’s afraid to pass it. “Have fun with your friends last night?” She asked with an edge of irritation to it.

“Oh shit, we all came back here?”

“You don’t remember?”

“Not exactly,” I look at Anthony for help once again but he just has a smirk on his face.

“Well, I’ll have to remind you over lunch,” she smiles sweetly, but her teeth are grinding.

I nod completely embarrassed. I learned one thing about the guys last night and that was Talbot isn’t afraid to be heard. He’s loud and crude. This isn’t good at all.

I open the back door of Anthony’s rented SUV for Madison and she smiles at me before climbing in. I shut the door and go to walk around to the other side, but I see Stacy was already occupying the other back seat. I opened the passenger side door and climb in, only to have Madison kick the back of the seat. “Oh sorry,” she spits out, completely annoyed. Alright, whatever happened last night wasn’t good at all.

We head down to a strip of bars and restaurants I had been introduced to the night before, and Anthony makes his way to the Cheesecake Factory. I wouldn’t have chosen the place, but maybe this was where Madison wanted to go. I just need to keep my mouth shut. Didn’t want to pour gasoline on the already bursting fire.

I was grateful when the waitress sat us at a square table as opposed to a booth. I didn’t want to sit next to Madison where she could easily elbow me in the balls without anyone seeing. If I was going to be physically attacked I wanted it to be out in the open. As embarrassing as it could be, she looked like a woman that could easily take me down. Sure, sweet and innocent looking on the outside, but every time her eyes landed on me, I swear I could see Lucifer. Horns popped out of the top of her head, her green eyes turned red and her fingernails got long and pointed. I was living next door to the woman that was for sure going to murder me.

“So Craig, I met your teammates last night,” she smiled after the waitress took our orders. She kept playing with her silverware, making sure that they were symmetrically even with the end of the table. Just to fuck with her, I grabbed my fork and turned it horizontal. She eye balls my fork, and I know she wants to straighten it. “A Maxime, Marc, Kris, Tyler and Sidney. I believe that was all of them. Does that sound about right?”

“Yeah, what time did you meet them?”

“Oh it was around 3:30 this morning.” Both Stacy and Anthony sent me glares and I sunk in my seat. “I was just going to bed. I was working on my newest book when I heard the loud one out front talking about my physical features.”

Oh fuck.

“And you told him to wait at least a week before asking to see my breasts. Then of course later on he tried to climb on my balcony.”

Oohh fuck.

“Craig, who was doing that?” Stacy asked completely shocked and appalled.

“That sounds like Talbot. I’m sorry Madison. The guys took me out for a few drinks last night to welcome me to Pittsburgh, and I guess we all had one too many.”

“You guess?” She snapped, her hand reaching over and straightening my fork. I wondered how long it would take for her to correct my obvious error.

“I’m sorry, it’ll never happen again.”

“I hope it doesn’t. Your house should be your haven, not your hell.”

I looked at her completely confused. My house should be my haven? My house is where I sleep and eat. I don’t need to bow down to my house and pray to it. It’s shelter, not the second coming.

“Hey Craig,” Anthony grabs my attention and I look over at him. He leans towards me and whispers in my ear, “haven means shelter. A place of rest.”

I grab my fork and turn it thirty degrees. “It is my haven. It is where I eat, sleep and fuck.”

“CRAIG!!” Stacy shouts as our waitress reappears with our food. She sends me a death glare as our food is being placed on the table. I look down at my sandwich and can’t help but laugh as I notice my fork is once again straight, right next to my knife. Two can play this game. I reach over to her and grab her spoon, flipping it upside down and angling it much like I did with my fork. I look up into her eyes and dare her not to touch it. How long will she last without touching it?

“Craig,” Anthony leans forward once again and whispers in my ear, “she has a bad case of OCD, you might be crossing the line here buddy.”

A smile crawls over my face as I glance down quickly at her spoon, her hand is resting on top of it, but it hasn’t moved. This is absolutely killing her, and I love every moment of it. I should feel like an ass considering it’s an actual disease people live and deal with, but for some reason, with her, I don’t care. It’s free entertainment. She picks up her spoon and uses it to cut her chicken. She just cheated. I shake my head in disbelief.

Lunch flies by, and I manage to keep my mouth and hands to myself. Even though she already hates me, I wasn’t going to waste my energy to get on her good side. Neighbors hate each other all the time, why can’t we just be like everyone else? I actually don’t hate her, I actually want to bang her, but I’m not exactly sure how sex and OCD work.

Would I have to enter her at a certain angle? Would she have to fold all of our clothes before proceeding? How does it work? As long as I can get off and see her boobs, I don’t care what I have to do. Now I have to get on her good graces, because just thinking about her naked breasts smashed against my face makes me hot.

“Come on Craig, we’re leaving,” Anthony announces and I get up from the table, noticing they were already half way to the door. I jump up and jog over to catch up with them. I obviously got lost in my thoughts of motor boating Madison’s chest.

We drive back in silence and drop off Stacy and Madison. Anthony and I were headed down to the arena to meet with management and do all the crap one does when they’re picked up by a new team. I jumped out of the SUV at the last possible second and stop Madison.

“Look, I’d like to make everything up to you. I obviously gave off a terrible first impression. I’d like to cook you dinner.”

“You? Cook?” She laughed out, quickly covering her mouth with her hand, but I could still see her squinty eyes.

“Well okay, maybe not. But I’d like for you to come over a share a meal. Maybe we can get to know one another, and I could stop being an ass.”

“Well I don’t know about the whole you stop being an ass thing. I like you being an ass, then that way, I don’t have to like you, or at least pretend like I like you. I don’t like to pretend.”

“I don’t like to pretend either, and I’m not usually an ass. I guess you bring out the bad boy side in me, the side that wants to do naughty things.”

“That’s unfortunate.” With that she turned on her heel and headed up to her front door.

Unfortunate? I just threw her a line and she told me it was unfortunate. Either I’m a failure at life or she doesn’t know when someone is flirting with her. I turn around and jump back in the SUV and Anthony and I make our way into downtown. “Don’t fuck with her Craig. She’s been a family friend for a long time, she’s not one to mess with.”

“Anthony, I haven’t gotten laid in a long time, and she is a beautiful specimen of the female kind. She’s weird, and she hates me, but I’m going for it.”

“It’s your death.”

9 comments:

  1. Omg Kristina, this whole chapter made me laugh so hard!

    Their whole dynamic is amazing so far and the bits about OCD were hilarious.

    "That's unfortunate"

    best line of the entire chapter!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Every word is perfect and so damn funny. Uuugh. Craig, Maddy, I can't imagine what's in store for you. But I know that no matter what, I'm going to enjoy it far beyond... everything.

    K, you make my life.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh lord... that was great!

    Favorite lines:
    --- Sure, sweet and innocent looking on the outside, but every time her eyes landed on me, I swear I could see Lucifer. Horns popped out of the top of her head, her green eyes turned red and her fingernails got long and pointed. I was living next door to the woman that was for sure going to murder me.

    Seriously, laughed out loud and scared my cat*

    I just cannot wait until the next chapter!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ok.... You already know my comments, so here go the scores.

    Craig 5.7 -> you're just pissing her off now!

    Anthony 5.8 -> Valiant effort... But I don't think he's listening.

    Stacy 5.5 -> Kind of non-existant this chapter

    Maddy 5.8 -> I loved the straightening of the utensils. Perfect form!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I like Max's endless beer tab. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I laughed my way through this chapter...excellent, girlfriend, just excellent!

    ReplyDelete
  7. SEXXXXX RIGHT NOW PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE

    ReplyDelete
  8. "Anthony, I haven’t gotten laid in a long time, and she is a beautiful specimen of the female kind. She’s weird, and she hates me, but I’m going for it.”

    “It’s your death.”

    HAHA. Love the last line. Amazing as always Kristina.

    I'm not a huge fan of Craigie but this story may change my mind. xD

    ReplyDelete
  9. hahahah this is awesome
    never laughed so hard readingg a story on heree

    ReplyDelete