Thursday, December 3, 2009


Of course she wouldn’t accept my offer for dinner. Who the hell was I kidding? I’m normal, and well, she is on the edge of minor insanity. My time spent at home was usually spent watching her. Her and her OCDness. Watching her do yard work was brutal. Yard work is a time to get sweaty and dirty, yet every time a spot of dirt or grass landed on her, she would stop and brush it off. Oh Lord, and then watching her line up the flowerpots. That was three hours of my life I’ll never get back.

The hockey season was winding down, and I finally felt in place with my new team. I felt wanted. I actually had fans too, which was different for me. The team was on a hot streak and we were bound to make the playoffs, might even get home ice advantage. We were happy. Beyond happy, ecstatic. It called for a drink, but as I looked around the plane, most of the guys were asleep. We wouldn’t be landing back in Pittsburgh until close to 4 AM, so it looked like another celebratory drink alone on my balcony.

My eyes connected with Billy’s and he nodded his head for me to join him. I got up from my seat and sat in the empty one next to him. “What’s up Adams?”

“Not much Bill, just thinking about getting home and having a drink.”

“Were you looking around the plane for a drinking partner?”

“It’d be nice to have one. Just shoot the shit, have a glass of whiskey. You up for it?”

“I heard you have a nice view.”

I nodded my head as I looked over at him, “yeah, it’s decent.” As much as I wanted to tell him it was even better when Madison was in sight, I bit my tongue and kept the comment to myself.

“Glass of whiskey, how about some cigars and then we’ll watch the sunrise?”

“I don’t know Bill, sounds like a date,” I laughed causing Sid to stir across the aisle.

“Fuck Adams, I’ve seen the way you look at me. You own a robe?”

“Yeah,” I say slowly, suddenly scared of where this is going.

“Perfect, I’ll follow you there.”

We fell into silence for the rest of the flight into Pittsburgh. Once we landed it was just after 4 AM, and by the time I got to my house it’d be around 5. That wasn’t too early for a drink, right? Or in this case, too late? I shrugged either way, coach was giving us the day off, and I was going to drink regardless.

I pulled my truck into the garage and Billy’s headlights shined in from behind me. I jumped out to assess his parking job. “Um, you might want to move your truck over to the other side of this line,” I explain to him as I tap my foot on the black line that divides the driveway.

“Are you for real?”

“Unfortunately. Neighbor doesn’t like things on her side of the line. She has OCD.”

“Oh the chick Talbot was talking about? The one you have the hots for?”

“Just move your truck Guerin.”

I left the garage open and headed inside, dropping my bag off in the mudroom. I headed up to the kitchen and pulled out my nice bottle of whiskey. I only pulled her out on special occasions, but for some reason I felt like she would impress Billy. Not that I needed his approval, it was just a man thing. An odd way of saying my dick is just as big, if not bigger, than yours.

“Where’s that robe of yours?” Billy asked as I grabbed the bottle and two glasses and motioned for him to follow me upstairs. I pulled open the sliding glass door and set the liquor and glasses down on the table outside then turned my attention to my closet. I pulled out the white fluffy robe, with the Hilton logo on the right shoulder. “You stole a robe? Too cheap to go buy one?”

“I like the way it feels,” I defended myself as I held up the matching slippers. He grinned and snatched them from me. He turned and headed for the bathroom where he prepared himself for some drinking. I grabbed a robe myself, suddenly liking the idea, very Hugh Heffner. I pulled off my pants, discarded my suit jacket and button up shirt and wrapped myself up in the robe.

Billy walked out of the bathroom in his boxers and white wife beater, with the robe hanging open. This looked like a bad SNL skit or something. He held two cigars up in his hands and we headed out to the balcony. I poured two glasses and we sat in silence. Drinking, smoking and watching the sun slowly begin to crawl its way to life.

“Tell me about her,” Billy announced as he filled our glasses back up.

“The chick next door?”


I grumbled to myself. Talbot and his big fucking mouth. How could he even remember that night? I couldn’t even remember that night! “She’s a looker.”

“But she’s crazy?”

“She’s not crazy. She just has OCD. The driveway is a fucking war zone. God forbid if a leaf off of one of my trees landed on her side of the driveway. And as far as I know she’s only left her house once since I moved in.”

“So she’s crazy.”

“She’s difficult.”

Billy stood up from his seat, glass in one hand, lit cigar in the other and he leaned against the railing so he was facing me. “Look kid . . . how old are you?”

“I’ll be 32 in a few weeks.”

He nodded his head as he took a drag from his cigar, a light wind causing his robe to swirl around. “You’re still young, but you’re getting old.”

I looked up at him confused, a smug smirk on his face, his eyes off in the distance. He was more than likely thinking back to when he was a little bit younger. Back before he hit menopause. His eyes quickly shot over to Madison’s balcony, and I looked over to see her walk out, her hair disheveled and bags under her eyes. I stood up and looked over at her, smiling weakly. “I hope we didn’t wake you up.”

“Oh no, not at all. I actually haven’t gone to bed yet.”

“Working on the book?”

“Yeah. My editor is on my ass, so I haven’t gotten much sleep this week. I just came out to get some fresh air. You guys enjoy your morning.”

I nodded my head and watched her retreat back into her bedroom. I turned at looked at Billy who was grinning, cigar shoved in the corner of his mouth. He didn’t even have to say anything; he just lifted his hands up to his chest, palms up, and moved his hands up and down like he was handling boobs. “You wouldn’t know what to do with those kid.”

I looked down at my drink and cigar before looking back up at him. “You’re probably right, I wouldn’t.”

“You just gotta wrap your hand around it and tug a little.”

“Wrap my hand around it and tug? Why do you make it sound like I’m gonna milk a cow?”

“When they’re that big, that’s what you have to do. Unless you can fit the whole thing in your mouth. Either way man.”

“I’m gonna need another drink, you have anywhere to be?”

“Nope, I’m living in a hotel with Dan, so I’ll take a refill.”

So there we sat, drinking and smoking. Madison’s body in my mind. Trying desperately to think about what she would look like naked. How she would taste under my tongue. If for once I could get her to let loose. My eyes wandered over to Billy and he was looking at me annoyed. “What?”

“Ask her to dinner you fool.”

Again? Get shot down again? Ah, why the hell not? I jumped up and shouted her name a few times toward her door until it finally pulled open. “Yeah?” She asked with a smile. My eyes drifted down her body before I smiled.

“Have you thought about my dinner offer?”

“Oh yeah! Sure! When?”

What? I looked over at Billy quickly and he was grinned before rolling his eyes. “How about tomorrow night?”

“You’ll cook?”

I choked a bit. Cook? Crap. “Yeah. Come on over around seven.”

“Should I bring anything?”

“Just yourself.” She smiled and headed back into her house.

“Fucking pussy,” Billy mumbled under his breath finishing off his glass of whiskey. “Do you know any take out places near by that will deliver down the road for you to pick up and have you make it look like you cooked it without her knowing?”

“Hey! I can cook.”

“Bullshit. I saw your kitchen. You have one plate and a spork. You don’t cook.”

“Okay, so maybe I don’t. Feel like helping out?”

He smashed his cigar down on our makeshift ashtray and nodded his head. “Fucking pussy.”


  1. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhh. The robes. The slippers. Cigars and whiskey. Motherlovin' bad ass Billy G. You can't get much better than that.

    I love it. And dinner... I can smell the disaster now. Baha, This is going to be good!

  2. Ok.. scores only. Just cuz I'm EXHAUSTED! (you're lucky I'm awake enough to do scores!)

    Billy G-> 6.0!!!! If I could bold that and make it 10 times bigger I would have! If I could give him a 7 I would have! I LOVED him!

    Craig -> 5.5 In the words of Billy... Pussy. hahah!! but I still love him.

  3. Billy G = best thing in the world!!! Also, am I the only one who wants their dinner to go well... really well???

  4. Thankfully Billy is there to pull this man together, and I love that she said yes...can't wait for the dinner!

  5. Oh my gosh, I loved this chapter!

    It was wonderful! And the fact that he told Billy to move his vehicle... YES! That was amusing*

    Loved the update, can't wait for more*

  6. I don't think I can stop laughing. In fact, I think I'll continue to keep laughing after reading this chapter. I LOVE the idea of those two in robes being "men." So hilarious.

    Great chapter! I have a feeling she only agreed to his date because she wants to research for her book but still, it's bound to be interesting.

  7. Okay... as I go...

    "it was just a man thing. An odd way of saying my dick is just as big, if not bigger, than yours."
    ^^ LOLOLOLOLOL so true but... I still love that you specifically said it... hilarious!

    "This looked like a bad SNL skit or something."
    ^^ BAHAHAHAHAHA OOOOH NO. I can picture it all-too-well... Bad Ass Billy G... what else can you expect?

    “Wrap my hand around it and tug? Why do you make it sound like I’m gonna milk a cow?”
    “When they’re that big, that’s what you have to do. Unless you can fit the whole thing in your mouth. Either way man.”
    ^^ BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Not gonna lie... for someone as old as Billy G, I'm a little worried about him... to the point where I'm pitying any girl that ever took her shirt off around him lol.

    “Bullshit. I saw your kitchen. You have one plate and a spork. You don’t cook.”
    ^^ BAHAHAHAHAHA Ok k... I'm crying now... wow

    this was hilarious... like seriously... I can't even deal with it. I'm gonna go read it again!
    Where do you come up with this stuff!? Share some funny-insight with me!!!!

  8. I'm not much of an Adams fan..but reading this story has got me very much interested haha

    I love how Billy is like everyone's dad : )

    Keep updating!!

  9. Ahhh I love Billy G so much! Giving Craig some advice and being all fatherly and knowledgable!!

    "This looked like a bad SNL skit or something."
    ^^I could so see them on some SNL skit lmfao. That would be quite hilarious.

    “Bullshit. I saw your kitchen. You have one plate and a spork. You don’t cook.”
    ^^I'm pretty sure I died. LMFAOOOOO! Hysterical!

    Okay, so I love this story so much! And I'm incredibly glad that you started writing it. Excellent job. (: