Sunday, December 13, 2009


I wanted to have dinner with him, I did. I just wasn’t too sure on how we would interact. We’re very different. He just seems very disassembled. I know I’m put together, could I sit through a night with someone that’s all over the place? I’d like to get to know him better, but I also didn’t want to put myself through the torture he had already put me through during our lunch together.

I managed to ignore him, as best I could. I spied on him, but isn’t that what neighbors are supposed to do? I needed some inspiration from him for my book after all. That was how I spent most of my days anyways, writing and squeezing in some yard work. I averaged around 10 hours of sleep a week. It wasn’t insomnia; it was more of an adrenaline rush. I knew I’d catch up on my sleep once my book was out. Once I could wipe my hands clean of yet another murder mystery.

It was yet another sleepless night, yet I managed to pound out over forty pages worth of smut. Every one of my books had a sex scene in it, this time though; it was the murderer and his next-door neighbor. Foreshadowing for my own life? I sure as hell hope not. He’s probably dirty and full of germs. I shiver just at the thought.

I step out onto the balcony to take in the sunrise where I hear two voices over on Craig’s balcony. “I hope we didn’t wake you up.” I take in his appearance; he’s in a robe, no pants, a cigar in one hand, and a drink in the other. The man he is with looks the same, except his robe hangs open.

“Oh no, not at all. I actually haven’t gone to bed yet.” I eye the man he’s with. Could he be a possible lover? Is Craig . . . gay?

“Working on the book?”

“Yeah. My editor is on my ass, so I haven’t gotten much sleep this week. I just came out to get some fresh air. You guys enjoy your morning,” I flashed them a smile and step back into my bedroom. I keep the door open though, and do what I do best. I eavesdrop.

”You wouldn’t know what to do with those kid.”

“You’re probably right, I wouldn’t.”

“You just gotta wrap your hand around it and tug a little.”

“Wrap my hand around it and tug? Why do you make it sound like I’m gonna milk a cow?”

My hand flies up to cover my gaping mouth. My eyes wide with surprise. They weren’t honestly going to have oral sex out in the open were they?

”When they’re that big, that’s what you have to do. Unless you can fit the whole thing in your mouth. Either way man.”

“I’m gonna need another drink, you have anywhere to be?”

“Nope, I’m living in a hotel with Dan, I’ll take a refill.”

“Oh my fucking-lanta,” I gasp and retreated into my bathroom to splash some cold water on my blushing cheeks. This was a lot of information to take in. Not only was Craig gay, but also he’s seeing someone who already has a boyfriend. That poor man, this Dan. He’s probably been up all night waiting for his boyfriend to return to him.

The home wrecker!

“Madison! Madison!” I pull away from the bathroom sink and dry my face off as I head back out onto the balcony.

“Yeah?” I ask with a smile as his eyes travel down my body. Oh no, he’s one of those guys. The ones that notice what a disaster I am. He probably wants to go on a shopping spree.

“Have you thought about my dinner offer?”

“Oh yeah! Sure! When?” Suddenly knowing he’s not actually hitting on me, and trying to get in my pants, dinner could be fun. Or, at least, I hope.

“How about tomorrow night?”

“You’ll cook?”

“Yeah. Come on over around seven.”

“Should I bring anything?”

“Just yourself.”

I smiled at him and nodded my head before retreating back into my bedroom. He may be disassembled, but I could put up with that for one night right? His house can’t be a disaster; his boyfriend looks like he likes to clean. This might actually be somewhat okay.

Dressed in my best spring dress, I stepped into my Birkenstocks and headed over to Craig’s front door. I was twenty minutes late, but it wasn’t fully my fault. I dropped all my q-tips on the floor, and then had to make sure there was an even amount of them when I put them back. There’s nothing worse than discovering only one q-tip left when you need two. That’s why I keep everything in even numbers. It’s easier that way.

I knocked on the door three times and stepped back. He swung the door open, a white towel over his shoulder, and the smell of pasta filling my nose. “You’re late, I hope you didn’t get lost,” he laughed as he stepped aside and allowed me to walk in.

“Um, no,” I stated shortly as I made my way into his kitchen where I looked around. Pots were in the sink and two plates filled with pasta were waiting on the kitchen table. “You made this?” I asked pointing to the table.

“Yup, just dished up the plates,” he smiled as he pulled a chair out for me and I sat down. He uncorked a bottle of red wine, and poured two glasses. While he was occupied I took my time to look around the place. It sure didn’t look like a gay man lived here. Don’t they have style? Then again, he did just move in a month prior, and wasn’t home a whole lot.

The food was good, almost too good. No straight man cooks that good, and the plates we were eating off of were beautiful. So he does have taste. “Would you like some more wine?” He asked once he finished his glass.

“Sure, why not. I haven’t had wine in awhile,” I giggled as he grinned and jumped up from his chair to grab another bottle. When he sat back down, he pulled his chair closer to mine, and leaned forward, studying my face. I felt myself blush and throw up a wall at how close he was. I knew he wouldn’t make a move though. The last time I checked gay men weren’t interested in women, if anything, he was probably surveying my recent eyebrow job.

“You are a beautiful woman Madison.”

“Thanks Craig,” I laughed, sipping on my wine.

“No really, you’re magnificent.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. I froze in place, my eyes wide in shock. I felt his tongue push its way between my lips. When I didn’t budge he pulled away and looked at me. Disappointment washed over his face. Then it hit me, and I tried to hold back my laughter.

“You’re bi?”


“You’re bisexual?”


“Why are you kissing me then? Am I like an experiment?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Why would a gay man kiss a woman?”


“Aren’t you gay? Wasn’t that your boyfriend yesterday morning?”

He looked at me incredulously. Was I not supposed to know? He stood up from his chair and grabbed my hand, dragging me behind him through his house. He took the steps two at a time and I had to follow suit to stay at pace with him. We walked into his bedroom and he yanked on my arm, tossing me toward his bed where I fell. I sat on the edge and looked at him expectantly. What was he doing? Oh dear God, was I sitting on dirty sheets? Did he have sex in this bed without changing the sheets?

He stepped between my legs and pushed down on my shoulders, laying me down on the bed. “What are you doing?”

“I’m not gay.”

I flung forward and looked at him grinning. “What? But-“

“He’s a teammate. We were having a drink. I’m not gay. I want to prove to you I’m not gay.”

“Well I believe you. You said it, you’re not gay. So why are we here in your bedroom?”

“Because I want to show you.”


“Just lay down.” He placed his hands back on my shoulders, but didn’t push me down. I went down on my own will. How was he going to show me? He wasn’t going to rape me was he? Oh dear, what did I get myself into? I felt his lips hit the inside of my knee and I inhaled sharply. “What are-“

“Shut up.”

“Okay.” I closed my eyes, intoxicated by the wine, as well as his lips slowly moving up my thighs. He hands ran up the outsides of my thighs, pulling my dress up to my waist. Oh God. When was the last time I had sex? What underwear am I wearing? Crap, I’m not wearing any.

“I never took you as the type to skip on the underwear,” he mumbled against my thigh, biting softly.

Was I about to have sex with Craig? Did I want to have sex with Craig? I knew all I needed to say was ‘no’, but the only noise emitting from my mouth was a low rumble. I guess there was no turning back now, considering he can see my vagina in clear sight.

I felt his tongue roll up my clit and I push my head back on the mattress. He hooked his arms underneath my legs and brought them up so my feet were flush with the edge of the bed. My eyes closed as his tongue did things I didn’t even think were humanly possible to do. My mind synced in with his movements. Three flicks up, three to the right, three to he left, then three raspberry kisses in the surrounding area. I thought for sure as I counted that if I’d hit four I would die.

“One, two, three . . . one, two, three,” I breathed out, keeping in sync with him. As my toes curled and my stomach sucked in trying to prevent my body from convulsing, I felt his lips trail up to my belly button.

“It’s all about numbers with you isn’t it?”


“Then why are you counting?”

“Just making sure I don’t hit four.”

“What happens if you hit four?”

“I’ll die.”

“Well then, I’ll make sure you don’t hit four. I’d like to keep you around.”

His lips attached themselves to me again and my eyes closed. I ran my hands over his head, not able to find a grip in his short hair. I bit down on my bottom lip as he did the same. One, two, three . . . one, two, three, fo- “WAIT!”

He pulled away and looked up at me. “So you’re really not gay?” I asked breathing heavily, just looking for an out before he caused me to lose all feeling in my legs.



  1. I love this story and especially this chapter. I woke my poor boyfriend up because I was laughing so loud.

  2. Um, very interesting, to say the least. I could see how she got the whole gay impression. Billy does kind of have that aura about him. :)

  3. OOOOOOH NO! I'm seriously howling with laughter... oooh god, I can't stop lol!

    "He’s probably dirty and full of germs"
    -- to say the least hahahaha

    "The home wrecker!"
    -- I love that that's her opinion. Not... 'oh he's gay, that's disappointing'...

    "his boyfriend looks like he likes to clean"
    -- BAHAHAHAHAHA BILLY G!!!!! Really? Cause... I don't get that impression from him... lol

    “Why are you kissing me then? Am I like an experiment?”

    He wasn’t going to rape me was he? Oh dear, what did I get myself into?
    -- I love that she's still just sitting there, hoping he's not gonna rape her... as opposed to getting up lol.

    "I guess there was no turning back now, considering he can see my vagina in clear sight."
    -- BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ppl are looking at me like I'm challenged... thanks for that lol.

    Seriously, you already know how I feel about this story but... BEST. UPDATE. YET!!

  4. "I guess there was no turning back now, considering he can see my vagina in clear sight."

    Craig, you stud. The whole beginning with Billy... gay... Oh man I lost it. "That poor man, this Dan." That was hilarious! I thought she agreed to dinner a little too easily; there had to be a catch. Lovely!

  5. hahahahahah biiiillllyyyy gggggg

    he could totally rock a french maid outfit with those ample legs

  6. Oh my hilarious. I've been sick in bed for the past couple of days and this just gave me my first good laugh in a long time. Thank you for that.

  7. Fabulous and hilarious...

    The dialogue between Craig and Madison is so stinkin' funny and the ending is the best...

  8. Ahhh yes! I loved this update!! In the beginning with Billy G, omg I died of laughter. Hahaha them as a gay couple?! Insanity!!

    Needless to say, this was just fantastic. (:

  9. Best chapter yet! It was all so funny, even the sex scene with her counting. You having Madison think Billy's gay after Mike Rupp said that Billy is the Penguin he would date is priceless! Great job as always.

  10. OhMyGod OhMyGod OhMyGod OhMyGod!!!!!

    That was the greatest chapter of a fanfic story that I've ever read! And, without sounding too insane, I've read a lot*

    You made me laugh so hard that I literally have a cramp in my side! It was wonderful!

    No, that doesn't fit... stupendous? astronomical? amazing? fantastical? <-- Look, I'm even making up words!!

    Just... BRILLIANT!!!

  11. OMG I laughed the whole way through this update.
    i. loved. it!!

    I can't wait for more!

  12. That is a great way to start my morning...I couldnt stop laughing at he thought process about him being gay...
    great update

  13. Hilarious yet sexy story! Haha. Update soon??